Our married life after the honeymoon has been a constant battle between a depression attack, an anxiety attack, or both at the same time. There were only a few days when I am not around that she was able to finish the day without either of the two attacks showing up. There were also times that when she wakes up, her mood is so low that she does not respond to my inquiries. During these times, I felt the urge of not leaving her and so I take an unplanned leave from work. She recovers quickly whenever my presence is there to support her.
Her Pleas of Suicide Are Real
It started with calls from her when I am in the middle of work. She would tell me “gusto ko nang magpakamatay” (that she wants to die.) I would ask her why and she would tell me she won’t recover anymore and there’s no hope. She wanted to end her suffering. These are results of the so-called ‘downward spiral‘ of depression.
Depression is so debilitating and confusing. Sometimes, its worse than feelings of sadness. There would be times she would tell me that she’s not sad. She also would describe that there were no thoughts that caused her to be sad and her mind just feels numb. What makes it worse is that she can’t put a label on that feeling of numbness.
Aside from the calls, there were instances when I am with her and the downward spiral is so deep that I caught her trying to take all her sleeping pills in one fell swoop. I would stop her hand from taking all her pills and plead to her not do it. When she comes to her senses after a while, she would apologize and thank me for not letting her do it. At these kinds of moments, I would realize further the height of her sufferings.
Just like Everyone, They Are Also Afraid to End Their Lives
People suffering from depression and have suicidal tendencies are also afraid to die just like everyone else. They just see death as the only way to end their suffering. Some would slash their wrists because they prefer to feel its pain rather than feel the confusion and numbness of depression. There’s a feeling of ‘in control’ whenever they do these things rather than feeling the big cloud of uncertainty in experiencing depression.
These moments are also the times that make me worry whenever I’m not with her. What if she decided again take them all while I am not around?
Presence: The Most Underrated Support for Depression
Anyone who is supporting someone with mental health illness would look for ways to help their loved ones. You would look for suggestions from the internet, or from books. You would try different alternative medicines, encourage them to do activities, or try to send them to doctors and therapists. Some would even try to talk them away from these thoughts and feelings. All of them might help, but the best way you can support someone is through your presence. When I say presence, I mean not just being there. You should literally be ‘there‘.
As the book ‘The Depression Cure‘ emphasized, simply being there for the depressed person has benefits on their mental health. In times of heightened attacks, hugging her or holding her hand goes a long way in showing her that she is loved and that she is important. Even just sitting beside her on a sofa has its positive effects. No words needed, just your plain presence. Your presence sends an anti-stress signal to her brain and it makes her calm down. Of course, your genuine concern is also needed. I myself have seen the wonders of physical presence in comparison to times when I’m not around and I just support her through text or call.
Presence: Something That Needs Improvement
Of course, it’s naive to say that I can provide the presence needed when I’m going to work while she stays at home. I figured it might get worse if this constant loop of me trying to work while she’s suffering at home continues. Let me say to you that we as a family tried compromises in order for me to go to work while there’s someone with her to keep her calm. Her mom tried to stay at our condo with her for a few days but whenever she’s having anxiety attacks, her mom also panics. We figured it’s best to look for other ways because her mom might have complications in her heart due to panicking.
The Best Way Forward
I figured the best way forward was for me to resign. I admit that, initially, I was torn between continuing my job and fully supporting her because I felt that there was potential for a bigger future at my job. Eventually, my option to resign was a lot easier to take because, behind all the confusion, it was clear that her well being is the topmost priority.
Aside from her well being, some factors also contributed to my decision to leave work. Our long-term plan is to settle in our hometown, Lipa City, Batangas. My life-long aspiration is to have a lot of time with my family and future family and not settle for the convenience of my previous work. I also figured that opportunities abound for my industry through online and freelance work. My plan is also to start a business of my own.
What the Future Brings
I’m excited for what the future can bring for us now that we are together most of the time. Mela has started doing online work while I have started also with my own venture. Her mood is a lot better now most of the times although some attacks come and go. But unlike before, she can recover faster now and the intensity of her attacks are manageable.
Aside from my presence, a lot of factors also contributed to her better well-being. Personally, I believe that in order to defeat depression more efficiently, a holistic approach should be done; from her nutrition, her physical fitness, through therapies, medicine, and social support.
Stay tuned for more posts about mental health! Look out also for future guest blog posts by my wife, Mela, for her first-person perspective about depression and anxiety.
No comment yet, add your voice below!