I hope you gained a lot of insights from my previous post. I had to step back and provide the backstory to her depression. This is for you to have a better picture of what were her trials and difficulties that contributed to her depression. Of course, these difficulties were just factors that elevated her depression. The brain’s condition is also of utmost importance. Now, we will resume our honeymoon trip story where her past negative moments at Washington DC haunted her again. This would be the start of the two things, depression and marriage, to co-exist.
Depression and Marriage: Savor the Happy Moments
After our stay at Washington D.C., our next destination was to visit friends and relatives in California. It was a lot warmer than the previous states we visited so it was a welcome site. A combination of a weather almost similar to home, friends and relatives you enjoy the company with, and going to places unfamiliar (since it was her first time visiting the west side) contributed to her having an overall positive vibe with everything around. Other than the times that she had a recurring fever due to UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), she would say that California has a special place in her heart. Add to that the fact that we were able to spend a few days experiencing the music festival, Coachella (Coachellaaaaaaaaa!!!!). We both had the ultimate indie music lover’s destination on our bucket lists, so you can imagine how psyched we are (We are forever grateful, Chris and Cams!).
These moments are the things you need to hold on to whenever the intruder surprisingly gatecrashes the party. Depression and the person who has it are different. Whenever the intruder is in, you have to remember that what she’s doing or not doing is a result of her condition. It is very powerful for the both of you to consider the mental health illness as an intruder into your relationship. See it as a third party, or as an enemy.
Depression and Marriage: Life After the Honeymoon
Our epic US trip had to end and we eventually had to go home. It was back to our real world in Sunny Manila. Things were running smoothly while we were getting the final touches to the furnishing of our condo unit.
After completing the purchase of all the furniture and settling down, things went into a bad turn. Our daily routine is we go separate ways in the morning to commute to our respective work. I would go to our office in Makati and she would go to their family’s shop in Bacoor. Since she’s just supervising the staff, she can go home earlier and prepare food for us. Things were normal at the start, but she pressured herself into being a perfect wife for me. She would get frustrated that she doesn’t know how to cook many types of dishes. Because of her condition, she had a hard time doing household chores.
This constant pressure on herself took its toll and it would lower and lower her mood until she couldn’t function properly anymore. This is what they call in the depression sphere, the downward spiral. She would start waking up not in the mood to get out of bed and she wouldn’t be able to go to work. Since she cannot go to their shop, I leave her behind alone when I go to work.
Hello, Anxiety
These moments when she’s alone also brought an additional intruder in the house. Anxiety crept in and stamped its place in her thoughts and feelings. It is quite devastating to add another mental health condition to handle, but it is normal for people with depression to also experience anxiety because of their mental state.
Her anxiety usually leads to imagining her parents and I leaving her alone in this world. When she’s having these thoughts, she could feel them as if they’re real. Anxiety has its own downward spiral. When it engulfs her completely, she’s having physical manifestations such as tension headaches, heavy palpitations, and difficulty in breathing.
In the Most Crucial Times
There was a moment in our journey when one day she was about to attend as a secondary sponsor for her cousin’s wedding. We were about to go to our car for her preparations when she had severe difficulty in breathing and she quickly passed out as I caught her while falling. I first taught she was having a heart attack so I brought her to the emergency room. Due to this, she wasn’t able to attend her cousin’s wedding. Her breathing calmed down through medicines and the feeling that she is already in the hospital. Her neurologist-psychologist told her that it was a severe anxiety attack.
These intruders do not know the right timing on when to enter. If someone close to you has the same conditions, you may expect that similar consequences might happen and they may disappoint you. Please be understanding in that they do not have a choice when these things come and go. Luckily, her cousin was a physician so she understood completely that it was not Mela’s fault why she couldn’t come to the wedding.
Alone Time Is Crunch Time
This Is Your Wife Speaking, I’m with Anxiety
We continued with the current setup while anxiety and depression still have fine grasps on her. Alone at our condo, she would call me while I’m at work and she would tell me that she’s having difficulty breathing. You can hear her fast and heavy breathing during a panic attack. Telling her to be calm and to not panic won’t help. I learned through articles that one of the best ways to treat anxiety is to do breathing exercises. The simplest way to do it is to take a deep long breath in thru the nose and a long exhale thru the mouth. Breathing through a paper bag is also an additional help. Even though I already taught her how to do the breathing exercises, when in a panic state, she is overwhelmed by the hyperventilation that she forgets these teachings. What I do is I lead her to the breathing exercises. I also do the breathing exercises with her in order for her to follow so she can shift her focus from being reactive to the anxiety to actively trying to calm her self down.
This Is Still Your Wife, Depression Would like to Talk to You Next
On other occasions, she would call me at work and I hear her crying. Sometimes she would just cry while I ask her what’s wrong and she wouldn’t speak back. Sometimes, she would say that she wants to die. She would tell me that she wants to take all her sleeping pills so that she could sleep soundly forever without the suffering.
For me, this is the hardest part of being with someone who has depression. The helplessness in providing instant relief to the enormous feelings she’s having. Finding the right words to assure her that she’s loved, she’s valued, and that her life is precious to us, her family, and most especially to me. Making sure that what I would say could help her choose life over suicide. Finding the right words that could reach my wife despite the thick clouds of depression.
Most of the time, words are not enough. And that’s where your presence is the most important part of your support. More to come about the value of presence in my next post.
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